


Matchmaking (via convoluted plans and vandalism)

by Shipping_Sushi



Category: The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)
Genre: Arson, Bad Matchmaking, Best batman movie of the century, But i mean you shouldve seen the movie, Harley and Joker bromance is the best thing that the lego batman movie has done to fics, I cant fuckin believe im writing a batman fic because of legos, I shouldve written this a month ago though, M/M, Shipping, Spoilers, Swearing, self indulgent af
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-10 19:49:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10446063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shipping_Sushi/pseuds/Shipping_Sushi
Summary: After a plan goes wrong, Joker and Harley are left homeless. However they got dirt on Bruce, so looks like there's two guests in Wayne Manor until Batman throws them back into an asylum.





	1. Prologue Bombing

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this entire fic in Canada.
> 
> Everything took forever to write, and my internet is wonky because I don't have Canadian coverage. I only have internet right by the falls, because America is close by.
> 
> So uh first two chapters today, Chapter 3 tomorrow (maybe?) and hopefully the rest by next Friday.

"So!" Joker is walking around the hideout, as animated as usual right in front of his throne. The villains of the city are watching anxiously, it wasn't everyday that Joker gave people second chances. Of course it wasn't every week that the Joker's plans almost turn out right, and since last week was that one of a kind event, they all needed to start fresh.

 

"We are going to destroy Gotham, and hopefully not get beat up by Batman. Again." He stopped for a moment. "Though that wouldn't be too bad! It's just you all are the ones getting beaten up, not me."

 

Every person in the room had that same look on their face. The very disappointed, 'when will it be canon' look.

 

"Now! I purchased a book, something called 'How to Build Bombs; For Idiots'..."

* * *

 

Joker really shouldn't of had high hopes. He really shouldn't of expected so much from these failures. However when the best explosives were made of ketchup packets (don't even ask about the rest) he came to the realization that none of these fools were going to change overnight.

 

He sat down disappointedly. Then he motioned towards his girlbuddy on the side of his throne. "Harley, show them how it's done," A cheery nod as his accomplice rolled towards their designated blast zone, complete with wall to hide behind and theoretically avoid the blast. That probably wouldn't work, but it was worth a shot.

 

In one hand she had some vial to dump into the soon-to-be bomb, the other was wiring that same soon-to-be bomb. It was easy, but living with the Joker for years and being constantly expected to this kind of stuff did help.

 

She was almost done when she looked at her clown bff and saw him giving her a supportive wave. He was less condescending than usual, a lot more friendly. Everyone blamed it on Batman finally saying he hated Joker back, and while it wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it was clear to everyone there was more than 'hate' in their feelings.

 

But hey there was progress at least. Last week they were finally on friendly terms, after he got almost every villain locked in prison and broke into Wayne Manor where Batman apparently lives.

 

Because it makes sense that the egotistical, edgy, kinda selfish superhero with gadgets that cost billions of dollars lives in the basement of an egotistical, edgy, kinda selfish billionaire-

 

The vial dropped at Harley's feet and broke into glass while she facepalmed with her now free hand.

 

"God, I'm an idiot." She muttered under her breath. Not that anybody heard, they were distracted by a ticking, uncontrollable bomb in her hand.

 

When she was done moping, she felt the tug on her arm as she was rolled away from the blast zone by her bestie who was driving their car at a really illegal speed limit and almost tearing off her arm. Because Joker can never casually save someone's life even when he's trying to be nice.

 

He also couldn't resist driving into a wall and totally not looking at the explosion like the cool people he was.

 

"So our hideout's is gone," She sighed out, climbing into the vehicle which was starting to slow down. "Lasted longer than I thought. Though this time it's your fault, girlbuddy!" "Gimme a break." "I saved your life!"

 

Harley crossed her arms. "And who shoved you in the car?" Joker rolled his eyes in response. "Calendar Man and Condiment King pushed me in, the rest were yelling at me." "So great to know you were threatened into saving your only friend," He shook his head and turned the wheel, swerving the car like some fair ride.

 

"I would've saved you no matter what, but death threats help! I mean I could've gotten clawed to death, paper cuts, had me make up smudged, crushed to death, your girlfriend would've shoved a cactus down my throat and up another up my ass, I'm pretty sure impalement is up high on the list somewhere-" He trailed off into a mumble before restarting the conversation.

 

"So where should we head?" "Wayne Manor." Joker shook his head. "We tried that last week, remember?" "Well I just got dirt on Batman." "Ooh nice! Care to share, Harls?" Joker's grin was infectious, so wide and mischievous. "Keep driving, we don't want to crash again."

 

Then an arm was wrapped around the acomplice. One hand still driving the car recklessly, the other around her. "Hugs! No hetero though." She laughed dryly. "No hetero puddin,"


	2. Not Breaking And Entering (and then doing so)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> common core is a math program for schools in New York I think? I live in that state though, so don't be confused it ain't relevant. It just sucks.

Batman was cozy under his sheets, cowl safely on (not because he was insecure without it or anything), power sleeping til noon. One does not get a ninepack from staying up all night, correcting their son's math homework (this 'common core' thing sucks the energy out of a billionaire. And it sucks in general).

 

That plan was immediately destroyed by the most loud, obnoxious sound ever: the doorbell.

 

"Alfred! Get it!" The vigilante half yelled across the manor. The doorbell was just playing on repeat, like the most obnoxious guest was outside impatiently.

 

Alfred ignored the sound, hearing Bruce screaming in the most emo fashion all day made even Dick's pop music sound like an angel's voice.

 

Outside were two familiar villains. The Joker was repeatedly pressing the doorbell while Harley Quinn stood at the door, trying to be respectable. Alfred took one glance and before either of them could say a word, slammed the door.

 

"Computer, turn on the sprinklers." And then he went upstairs to prepare Dick for school.

* * *

 

"See girlbuddy, told you we should've just broken in." Both were soaked to the bone, while Harley rummaged through the trunk. "Yeah but then they have a reason to immediately blame us. Now we have an excuse to bust down a wall hun." She took out her mallet with a grin and moved back.

 

"Now which window should we destroy?" "Your choice, I need to apply more make-up."

* * *

 

"Master Bruce-" "It's Six AM! Can you not wake me up now?" Alfred sighed while the child beside him was jumping up and down. He pulled his cowl down, in a futile attempt to block out the little annoying sounds. "Padre! Don't you hear?" "Yeah schoolbells, selfie sounds, a- Alarms?"

 

Batman sat up and heard a clear alarm ring throughout the building including suspicious mutterings.

 

"Oh yeah, thought I should mention that the Joker and Harley Quinn were at your door. And now we don't have a door. But keep on 'power sleeping', I'm sure it's working."

 

There was a loud sound of moving right outside the door and Alfred nudged Dick to the side right before a large chunk of the wall came crashing down.

 

Batman saw the two smiling evil doers and rolled his eyes, reburying his head in the pillows. "Aren't you two on break?" "Breaks have to end eventually!"

 

"Didn't you guys break in last week?" Joker rolled his eyes and whisper-yelled to his accomplice. "See told you!" Harley punched him in the arm, this wasn't a time for pointless bickering. "Yeah Batsy, but that was your fault~." Dark, brooding sigh. "Not true." "Yes true." "Not." "Yes." "Not-" "Will you two stop your gayness for a moment?" Joker sighed but gave up. Batman still gave his edgy, brooding glare but allowed a potential monologue. He could beat these people in his sleep. Which is what he'll do once Alfred takes Robin to school.

 

"Now we come in a truce. Our place blew up, and we need somewhere to chill for a while." Batman raised an eyebrow, Alfred still didn't give a fuck about these nerds, and Dick was just a ball of fluffy energy like usual. The hero cleared his throat. "Blew up because of someone evil blowing it up, or blew up because your both idiots doing evil things?" "The latter-"

 

A 'subtle' hammer to the leg and "No hun."

 

"Ahem, I mean Batsy, it just got destroyed by someone evil in an accident. Or something. But we're staying here now." "First off no. Only Batman, Bruce Wayne, Dick Wayne, and the butler dude stay here. Second off, no."

 

"Blink blink." "No." "BLINK BLINK BLINK." "NO." "BLINKITY BLINK-" "WILL YOU F-" "Uh.." Dick interrupted, his eyes cute and wide.

 

"Mister Joker, don't you have friends you could stay with? Why do you need to stay with us?" "Well first off  **_I_ ** don't have friends. I don't even have a social life kiddo, that's Harls' job! Only problem is that when you get everyone arrested that one time, chances are there's a chance to be murdered in your sleep if you stay with any of her friends. So blink blink?" He looked to Batman with those obnoxious wide eyes that were only rivaled by the child. "No."

 

"Fine then girlbuddy, take care of him." "We know your secret identity." "Wait that's the blackmail we're using? Can't you try something more convincing and believable?" "Well I think I got it figured out boo boo bear," "Well are we really going to risk our plan on you?" "I'm the one who went to college." Dark and brooding throat clear. "Will you two get on with it before I back flip you suckers through the window?"

 

The two stopped their friendly argument while Harley cleared her own throat and Joker made a mini drum roll by tapping his fingers on the wall. "You're Bruce Wayne."

 

After barley missing the window and throwing the woman at a wall, Batman groaned. "Nope."

 

"Wait that's what you were thinking of Harls? Geez that makes sense actually. Would've liked being told though." Joker flopped onto the foot of the bed. "Since your rich, can you get me a cup of oreos?"

 

He smashed into a wall and fell softly onto his friend. "Ouch, I see the emo in you Batsy~!" Batman flushed behind the cowl, but groaned in response.

 

"I am denying everything." He hopped out of the bed and motioned towards the door. "Alfred take my son to school. Seems like we're having," He trailed off, glancing at the two invaders who had gotten up and were dusting off. "Guests." Batman could hear squeals of happiness and rolled his eyes.

 

Dick seemed excited. "Guests? Ooh if they're staying with us can we beat them up, or are they friends now? Does that mean they can be my friends? Are we-" "Come now child, we need to take you off to learn and become like your dad. Or not, it doesn't matter."

 

The boy rushed out the door, waving goodbye to everyone while the butler just gave the whole 'Your fucked' glance at Batman.

 

Batman could hear the two new houseguests gossiping to each other, Joker congratulating his friend, Harley super proud of herself, and both overly excited and peppy.

 

It was going to be a long day.

* * *

Batman doesn't do tours. So instead of telling his visitors where everything is, he found two unused rooms and shoved them in. "There's your bedrooms," And slammed the door.

 

About five seconds later when he got to his room, Joker was there making a mess.

 

"Oh hi Batsy!" The maniac looked up from throwing a pillow on the ground. "Fancy seeing you here!" "It's my room. How did you even get here?" "Ahh you see I walked right by you while you were humming pop songs-" "That was death metal! And get out!" He watched the villain get up and walk to the door, hands behind his back in total surrender. Until a pillow smacked him right across the face and heard the clown's cute giggles while he rushed out the door.

 

Fuck this was going to be harder than he thought.


End file.
